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The 50 Funniest Birthday Quotes

Tammy Lamoureux from lamourfoto.com

I know what you’re trying to do here. You’re looking for a funny birthday quote so that you can zing your old man.

Well, guess what?

I think that’s a great idea. That’s why we put together this list of the funniest quotes about growing older, getting fatter, and closing in on death.

This is a curated sub-category. Check out our full collection of birthday quotes.

Birthdays are nature’s way of telling you to eat more cake.-Jo Brand

There is still no cure for the common birthday.-John Glenn

Your birthday reminds me of the old Chinese scholar… Yung No Mo.-Unknown

Birthday cake calories don’t count.-Unknown

You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.-Bob Hope

You’ve heard of the three ages of man – youth, age, and you are looking wonderful.-Francis Cardinal Spellman

Why is a birthday cake the only food you can blow on and spit on and everybody rushes to get a piece?-Bobby Kelton

Birthdays are like taxes. Both seem to happen too often and there’s no avoiding either.-Blake Flannery

If everybody was treated like they matter — everyday; birthdays wouldn’t be so special.-Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I believe in loyalty. When a woman reaches an age she likes, she should stick with it.-Eva Gabor

The best birthdays of all are those that haven’t arrived yet.-Unknown

Age is not important unless you’re a cheese.-Helen Hayes

I don’t like to celebrate my birthday, because I don’t like taking credit for others’ work—in this case, my mom and dad. Or possibly my mom and the mailman.-Jarod Kintz

Old age is not so bad when you consider the alternatives.-Maurice Chevalier

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.-Mark Twain

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.-George Bernard Shaw

An old fart is as good as a new one.-Unknown

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.-Groucho Marx

The secret to eternal youth is arrested development.-Alice Roosevelt Longworth

A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip!-Author Unknown

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’-Jerry Seinfeld

We are only young once. That is all society can stand.-Bob Bowen

Inside every older person is a younger person – wondering what the hell happened?-Cora Harvey Armstrong

Age is a number and mine is unlisted.-Durward Kirby

Another year older, none the wiser.-Unknown

Two tips on your birthday: 1) Forget the past, you can’t change it. 2) Forget the present, I didn’t get you one.-Unknown

I can’t believe it’s already been a year since the last time I didn’t buy you anything for your birthday.-Unknown

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.-E. Joseph Cossman

It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle.-Unknown

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.-Lucille Ball

Birthdays are a great time to stop and appreciate gravity. Sure, it makes things sag as you get older, but it also keeps your cake from flying all over the room so you don’t have to chase it.-Greg Tamblyn

Happy belated birthday to someone who now has free reign to forget mine.-Unknown

When someone asks if you’d like cake or pie, why not say you want cake and pie?-Lisa Loeb

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.-Larry Lorenzoni

Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don’t really know.-Andy Borowitz

I only drink on two occasions. When it’s my birthday and when it’s not.-Unknown

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy Birthday.’-Steven Wright

Birthday Soup is good to eat, but not as good as Birthday Cake.-Else Holmelund Minarik

On every birthday, I ask my wife, ‘What would you like this year?’ and her instant reply is, ‘Diamonds! Diamonds! Diamonds!’ I’m always living in hope that one day she’ll say she just wants me!-Akshay Kumar

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.-Robert Frost

Happy Birthday! You’re now living proof of the old saying that “Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men."-Kin Hubbard

Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. You look like a monkey, and you smell like one too.-Children’s birthday song

Gotta get it, even if it’s in the worse way. Got cake like everyday my birthday.-Lil Wayne

The event happened on my birthday. I don’t remember the date, I only know it was my birthday because there was no cake or presents.
-Jarod Kintz

Age is a relative term. All my relatives keep reminding me how old I am.-Melanie White

They tell you that you’ll lose your mind when you grow older. What they don’t tell you is that you won’t miss it very much.-Malcolm Cowley

On your birthday you should throw me a party. This is my advice for everybody, especially my clones.-Jarod Kintz, $3.33

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.-Agatha Christie

The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.-Jerry M. Wright

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