The 52 Funniest Cat Quotes

Carole Baskin

Let’s face it. Cats are a hilarious animal.

They are either evil masterminds, or complete derps, but either way, I will laugh at all the kitties.

This is a curated sub-category. Check out our full collection of cat quotes.

Cats can work out mathematically the exact place to sit that will cause most inconvenience.-Pam Brown

In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.-Terry Pratchett

The problem with cats is that they get the same exact look whether they see a moth or an ax-murderer.-Paula Poundstone

There is, incidentally, no way of talking about cats that enables one to come off as a sane person.-Dan Greenberg

A cat is an example of sophistication minus civilization.-Anonymous

Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.-Mary Bly

No amount of time can erase the memory of a good cat, and no amount of masking tape can ever totally remove his fur from your couch.-Leo Dworken

Dogs have owners, cats have staff.-Unknown

After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.-Charlotte Gray

I’m a cat whisperer. When I go to people’s houses, their cats always like me better than the owners.-Cory Monteith

A cat determined not to be found can fold itself up like a pocket handkerchief if it wants to.-Louis J. Camuti

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.-Robert A. Heinlein

She clawed her way into my heart and wouldn’t let go.-Missy Altijd

When I play with my cat, how do I know that she is not passing time with me rather than I with her?-Montaigne

The trouble with sharing one’s bed with cats is that they’d rather sleep on you than beside you.-Pam Brown

You can keep a dog; but it is the cat who keeps people, because cats find humans useful domestic animals.-George Mikes

A cat can be trusted to purr when she is pleased, which is more than can be said for human beings.-William Ralph Inge

I have noticed that what cats most appreciate in a human being is not the ability to produce food which they take for granted–but his or her entertainment value.-Geoffrey Household

As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.-Ellen Perry Berkeley

Cats do care. For example they know instinctively what time we have to be at work in the morning and they wake us up twenty minutes before the alarm goes off.-Michael Nelson

If only cats grew into kittens.-R. Stern

Cats’ hearing apparatus is built to allow the human voice to easily go in one ear and out the other.-Stephen Baker

When my cats aren’t happy, I’m not happy. Not because I care about their mood but because I know they’re just sitting there thinking up ways to get even.-Percy Bysshe Shelley

Kittens are born with their eyes shut. They open them in about six days, take a look around, then close them again for the better part of their lives.-Stephen Baker

An ordinary kitten will ask more questions than any five year old.-Carl Van Vechten

The way to get on with a cat is to treat it as an equal – or even better, as the superior it knows itself to be.-Elizabeth Peters

Cats have it all – admiration, an endless sleep, and company only when they want it.-Rod McKuen

I gave my cats a bath the other day … they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, it was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that…-Steve Martin

Cats can be cooperative when something feels good, which, to a cat, is the way everything is supposed to feel as much of the time as possible.-Roger Caras

People who hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life.-Faith Resnick

A cat can purr its way out of anything.-Donna McCrohan

Everything I know I learned from my cat: When you’re hungry, eat. When you’re tired, nap in a sunbeam. When you go to the vet’s, pee on your owner.-Gary Smith

I don’t think it is so much the actual bath that most cats dislike; I think it’s the fact that they have to spend a good part of the day putting their hair back in place.-Debbie Peterson

A cat’s got her own opinion of human beings. She don’t say much, but you can tell enough to make you anxious not to hear the whole of it.-Jerome K. Jerome

I would like to see anyone, prophet, king or God, convince a thousand cats to do the same thing at the same time.-Neil Gaiman

If cats looked like frogs we’d realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That’s what people remember.-Terry Pratchett

A cat isn’t fussy – just so long as you remember he likes his milk in the shallow, rose-patterned saucer and his fish on the blue plate. From which he will take it, and eat it off the floor.-Arthur Bridges

It is impossible to keep a straight face in the presence of one or more kittens.-Cynthia E. Varnado

Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many different ailments, but I have never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.-Joseph Wood Krutch

The cat is the only animal without visible means of support who still manages to find a living in the city.-Carl van Vechten

Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.-Missy Dizick

Cats are notoriously sore losers. Coming in second best, especially to someone as poorly coordinated as a human being, grates their sensibility.-Stephen Baker

One is never sure, watching two cats washing each other, whether it’s affection, the taste or a trial run for the jugular.-Helen Thomson

“Meow" means “woof" in cat.-George Carlin

I’m one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.-Dennis Miller

Anyone who believes what a cat tells him deserves all he gets.-Neil Gaiman

Sleeping together is a euphemism for people, but tantamount to marriage with cats.-Marge Percy

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.-Garrison Keillor

A cat is the only domestic animal I know who toilet trains itself and does a damned impressive job of it.-Joseph Epstein

Did St. Francis preach to the birds? Whatever for? If he really liked birds he would have done better to preach to the cats.-Rebecca West

My cat is not insane, she’s just a really good actress.-P.C. Cast

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