The 40 Most Witty Quotes Of All Time

Tammy Lamoureux from lamourfoto.com

I love a good witty quote.

Some people just seem to have a knack for spitting out funny insights. Oscar Wilde, Albert Einstein, Mitch Hedberg… These guys knew how to craft a hilarious one-liner.

Here is a collection of some of our favorites.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources. - Albert Einstein

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. - Oscar Wilde

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There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all. - Peter Drucker

An intellectual solves a problem. A genius avoids it. - Albert Einstein

A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice. - Bill Cosby

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. - C. G. Jung

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it. - Groucho Marx

We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid. - Ben Franklin

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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak. - Steven Wright

It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. - Woody Allen

You know what charm is: a way of getting the answer “yes" without having asked any clear question. - Albert Camus

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand. - Kurt Vonnegut

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it. - Mitch Hedberg

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it’s limits. - Albert Einstein

From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put. - Winston Churchill

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. - Mark Twain

Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure. - George Carlin

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Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both. - Dorothy Parker

Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it’s always, who’s responsible for this? - Jerry Seinfeld

The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose. - William Shakespeare

I may be drunk, but in the morning I’ll be sober and you’ll still be ugly. - Winston Churchill

Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses. - Elizabeth Taylor

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. - Flip Wilson

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying. - Woody Allen

Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. - Oscar Wilde

Mirror is my best friend, because when I cry it never laughs. - Charlie Chaplin

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? - Abraham Lincoln

People who didn’t need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who didn’t need people. - Terry Pratchett

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He has Van Gogh’s ear for music. - Billy Wilder

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. - George Carlin

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it. - Bob Hope

I can resist anything but temptation. - Oscar Wilde

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. - Kurt Vonnegut

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and is widely regarded as a bad move. - Douglas Adams

Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts. - Albert Einstein

A Bonus Quote

Just in case you were beginning to think otherwise…

A witty saying proves nothing. - Voltaire

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