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36 Really Funny Quotes About Dating

Tammy Lamoureux from

Going on a date is pretty hilarious when you think about it.

It is a necessary tradition, but modern courtship has become a ridiculous little dance that includes apps and online profiles and “hooking up”.

Luckily for us, the absurdity of dating has not slipped pass comedians and other witty minds. Here are some of the most hilarious dating quotes and one liners from the likes of Jerry Seinfeld and Groucho Marx.

What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked at the end of it. Jerry Seinfield

My philosophy of dating is to just fart right away. Jenny McCarthy


I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. Wendy Leibman

Recipes are like a dating service. They almost never end up looking like the picture. Unknown

I’m a simple woman, I like handsome bearded brunette men and breakfast food. Unknown

I’ll never join one of those online dating services. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way. Through alcohol and poor judgement. unknown

I refuse to go out with a man whose ass is smaller than mine. Elizabeth Perkins

When virtual reality gets cheaper than dating, society is doomed. Scott Adams

You ever been on a date so bad, the girl makes you drop her off at another dude’s house? Roy Wood Jr.

I’m dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it. Gary Shandling

Courtship: A man pursuing a woman until she catches him. Anonymous


I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm. Jay London

One woman I was dating called and said, ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home. Rodney Dangerfield

Whenever I want a really nice meal, I start dating again. Susan Healy

I date this girl for two years—and then the nagging starts: ‘I wanna know your name…’ Mike Binder

I’m still going on bad dates, when by now I should be in a bad marriage. Laura Kightlinger

Benefits of dating me: You will be dating me. I could go on but I think I have made my point. Unknown

I have such poor vision I can date anybody Gary Shandling

I don’t make mistakes, I date them. Unknown


Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. Woody Allen

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either. Chelsea Handler

I’d love to create a personal profile on a dating site with a headline that reads, “Great Listener Seeks Mute Woman. Jarod Kintz

“Whenever I date a guy, I think, “Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?” Rita Rudner

It’s not a date. We’re just agreeing to eat at the same table. Barbara Streisand

People tell me there is plenty of fish in the sea, well that is nice and all but Im human, I dont date fish. Unknown

My mom always complains about my lack of a boyfriend. Well, next time she asks, I’m going to tell her I’m dating two different guys — Mr. Duracell and Mr. Energizer. Michelle Landry


I’d rather straighten my pubes with a flat iron than go on another blind date. Stephanie McAfee

Employees make the best dates; you don’t have to pick them up and they’re always tax-deductible. Andy Warhol

I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn’t say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I’d have no friends. Chelsea Handler

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe. Rita Rudner

Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don’t have to. Amit Verma

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