The great thing about having kids is that nobody knows what the heck they’re doing. Every parent has to wing it.
Here, we’ve collected a list of quotes that express the absurdity and hilariousness of parenthood.
Related Quotes: The Best Parent Quotes
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one. - Leo J. Burke
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo…on your face. You better be committed. - Eat Pray Love Screenplay
“Great parenting lies somewhere between ‘don’t do that!’ and ‘ah, what the hell!’ - Unknown
“Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.-Michael Levine
“Ah, babies! They’re more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts. - Tina Fey
“Mother (n.) : One person who does the work of twenty. For free. - Unknown
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. - Franklin P. Jones
“Yes, having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit. - Bill Cosby
“Dearest children: If you don’t want your nap, can mommy have it? - Unknown
“You can’t scare me. I have children! - Garfield
“I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”. - Unknown
“I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job. - Roseanne Barr
“Sleep when your baby sleeps. Everyone knows this classic tip, but I say why stop there? Scream when your baby screams. Take Benadryl when your baby takes Benadryl. And walk around pantless when your baby walks around pantless. - Tina Fey
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation. - Unknown
“It is an amazing opportunity to be able to ruin someone from scratch. They will believe anything you say. How do you not prank such innocence? - John Stewart
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it. - Jerry Seinfeld
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. - Bill Cosby
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you. - Ray Romano
“Welcome to parenthood! Hope you didn’t like peeing alone! - Unknown
“There are times when parenthood seems nothing more than feeding the hand that bites you. - Peter De Vries
“I always worry about the safety of my children. Especially of the daughter who is talking back to me right now. - Unknown
“Now the thing about having a baby — and I can’t be the first person to have noticed this — is that thereafter you have it. - Jean Kerr
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? - Milton Berle
“Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage. - Marcelene Cox
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare. - Ed Asner
“Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for. - Ogden Nash
“Parenting is saying the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Oddly enough, that is the definition of insanity. Coincidence? I think not! - Unknown
“Mothers are all slightly insane. - J.D. Salinger
“It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn’t. - Barbara Kingsolver
“Kids have so much energy because they siphon it out of their parents like midget gasoline thieves. - Unknown
“The joys of motherhood are never fully experienced until the children are in bed. - Unknown
“My children love my mother, and I tell my children ‘That is NOT the same woman I grew up with…that is an old woman trying to get into heaven now.’ - Bill Cosby
“It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge. - Phyllis Diller
“Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. - Fran Lebowitz
“Don’t yell at your kids! Lean in close and whisper, it’s much scarier. - Unknown
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable. - Lane Olinghouse
“First child eats dirt. Parent calls doctor. Second child eats dirt. Parent cleans out mouth. Third child eats dirt. Parent wonders if she really needs to feed him lunch. - Unknown
“Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope. - Bill Cosby
“The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest. - Unknown
“Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell, the name will carry. - Bill Cosby
“Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up. - par
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy. - Michelle Pfeiffer
“Mom, what is… normal? It’s just a setting on the drier, honey. - Unknown
“If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says “keep away from children.” - Susan Savannah
“As the father of two young girls, I have come to the realization that they are just as messy as boys but the dirt that they create around the house is comprised of at least 50% glitter. - Andrew K. Keller
“Mother Nature, in her infinite wisdom, has instilled within each of us a powerful biological instinct to reproduce; this is her way of assuring that the human race, come what may, will never have any disposable income. - Dave Barry
“A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm. - Bill Vaughan
“I used to believe my father about everything but then I had children myself & now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy. - Brian Andreas
“If John Lennon was right that life is what happens when you’re making other plans, parenthood is what happens when everything is flipped over and spilling everywhere and you can’t find a towel or a sponge or your “inside" voice - Kelly Corrigan
“I used to have brain cells, but then I traded them in for children. - Unknown
“Sing out loud in the car even, or especially, if it embarrasses your children. - Marilyn Penland
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. - Phyllis Diller
