Curated Quotes

The 50 Funniest Quotes about Retirement

Tammy Lamoureux from

Ah, retirement! The time when one gets to finally hang their hat, kick back, and enjoy the fruits of their labor. For some, it means moving to Florida to play too much golf or finally traveling the world. For others? Naps. So many naps.

Whether you or somebody you know is retiring, here is a list of quotes that are sure to make you chuckle!

Funniest Retirement Quotes

Related Quotes: The Best Quotes About Aging

Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it to the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money. Jonathan Clements

The goal of retirement is to live off your assets-not on them. Frank Eberhart

Retirement Life

The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does. Unknown

I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So I do it three or four times a day. Gene Perret

Retirement: That’s when you return from work one day and say, “Hi, Honey, I”m home – forever.” Gene Perret

You know it’s time to retire when the guys ask you if you’re “getting any,” you think it means sleep. Greg Tamblyn

You gain two new best friends upon your retirement. Their names are Bed and Couch. You will be hanging out with them a lot. Unknown

Retirement is that marvelous time of life when the sun rises and you don’t. Unknown

It’s a good, quiet retirement. Most days I do nothing, but it takes me all day to do it. Barry Wilkin

Retirement is wonderful. It’s doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it. Gene Perret

He had an answer to almost everything and he retired at an early age. Dejan Stojanovic

Retirement Trouble

There’s one thing I always wanted to do before I quit…retire! Groucho Marx

The down side about retirement is having to drink coffee on your own time. Unknown

Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did. Malcolm Forbes

Retired people compliment my teeth, then tell me to take care of them. This always makes me think they are trying to steal them. Emily Claire Tamblyn

Retired: You were tired yesterday and you’re tired again today. Unknown

According to your latest figures, if you retired today, you could live very, very comfortably until 2 p.m. tomorrow. Dave Erhard

When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income. Chi Chi Rodriguez

Retirement: No Job, No Stress, No Pay! Unknown

Retirement is like a never-ending weekend party except that you can’t drink, can’t pick up girls and can’t stay up all night even if you want to. Unknown

Retirement has cured many businessman’s ulcers — and given his wife one! Unknown

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man. Scott Elledge

Few men of action have been able to make a graceful exit at the appropriate time. Malcolm Muggeridge

A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job. Ella Harris

Hello Pension

Retirement is the only thing that will make you realize how you wasted all these years trying to be mature when you can get back to being a child at the end of it all. Unknown

Retirement: When you quit working just before your heart does. Unknown

When some people retire, it’s going to be mighty hard to be able to tell the difference. Virginia Graham

There’s never enough time to do all the nothing you want. Bill Watterson

The two most dangerous years of your life are the year you are born and the year you retire. Liz Davidson

Teacher’s Retirement Motto: I Used to Teach. Now I Have No Class. Unknown

Like life, retirement can be full of surprises. Take when you retire, for example. Talbot Boggs

Retirement is when the living is easy and the payments are hard. Unknown

There are days in retirement that are the waking equivalent of a dreamless sleep, if you know what I mean. Robert Brault

I’ve been attending lots of seminars in my retirement. They’re called naps. Merri Brownworth

Academics never retire, they just lose their faculties. Unknown

I’m not just retiring from the company, I’m also retiring from my stress, my commute, my alarm clock, and my iron. Hartman Jule

I retired early for health reasons — my company was sick of me and I was sick of them. Unknown

Funny Retirement Plan

Retirement is your best chance to make your neighbors burn with jealousy. Just lie on the hammock every morning and read the newspaper when they step out to work. Unknown

Retirement life: seen it all, done it all – Can’t remember most of it! Unknown

Retirement is the ugliest word in the language. Ernest Hemingway

When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch. R C Sherriff

When you retire, you switch bosses – from the one who hired you to the one who married you. Gene Perret

Doing the things you always wanted to do is not the real challenge of retirement. Remembering them is the real challenge. Unknown

People have often asked me, “What do you do now that you are retired?” My answer is “I am fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine. Unknown

Ahhh Retirement: Fishing Yesterday, Fishing Today, Fishing Tomorrow! Unknown

What do gardeners do when they retire? Bob Monkhouse

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