Curated Quotes

The 65 Funniest Quotes About Sex

Tammy Lamoureux from

Sex is a beautiful, special thing that that takes place between two people in love. It’s always totally romantic and never weird or awkward or difficult or regretful…

Right??? Right?

Related Quotes: The Best Quotes About Sex

Sex relieves tension — love causes it. Woody Allen

Sex is the biggest nothing of all time. Andy Warhol

Kinky The First Time

I am always looking for meaningful one night stands. Dudley Moore

It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married. Drew Carey

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people. Chelsea Handler

My sexual preference is often. Unknown

Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any. John Callahan

There’s nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex. Billy Joel

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good. Woody Allen

Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. John Barrymore

The good thing about masturbation is that you don’t have to get dressed up for it. Truman Capote

It’s been so long since I’ve had sex I’ve forgotten who ties up whom. Joan Rivers

Don’t knock masturbation — it’s sex with someone I love. Woody Allen

Funny Birth Control

After being alive, the next hardest work is having sex. Of course, for some people it isn’t work because they need the exercise and they’ve got the energy for the sex and the sex gives them even more energy. Some people get energy from sex and some people lose energy from sex. I have found that it’s too much work. But if you have the time for it, and if you need that exercise—then you should do it. Andy Warhol

Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast. Woody Allen

Sex without love is merely healthy exercise. Robert A. Heinlein

Older women are best because they always think they may be doing it for the last time. Ian Fleming

I remember the first time I had sex. I kept the receipt. Groucho Marx

I haven’t trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I’ve never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex. Erma Bombeck

I’m at the age when food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. Rodney Dangerfield

To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you’re impotent. She can’t wait to disprove it. Cary Grant

Things You Never Hear: Please stop sucking my dick or I’ll call the police. George Carlin

I wouldn’t recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they’ve always worked for me. Hunter S. Thompson

I'd Rather Have Tea Than Sex

Sex is God’s joke on human beings. Bette Davis

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing. Woody Allen

I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them. Jay McInerney

Is sex dirty? Only if it is done right. Woody Allen

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. Joan Rivers

My boyfriend and I live together, which means we don’t have sex—ever. Now that the milk is free, we’ve both become lactose intolerant. Margaret Cho

No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens. Abraham Lincoln

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic. Woody Allen

The best sex education for kids is when Daddy pats Mommy on the fanny when he comes home from work. William H. Masters

In my sex fantasy, nobody ever loves me for my mind. Nora Ephron

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. Woody Allen

Funny Women Sex Look

Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur. Jerry Seinfeld

Fuck! Is one expected to be a gentleman when one is stiff? Marquis de Sade

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out. The egg mutters to no one in particular, ‘I guess we answered that question.’ Unknown

Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don’t you? ‘Damn I got to get the hell out of here! What was I thinking!’ Dave Attell

An intellectual is a person who’s found one thing that’s more interesting than sex. Aldous Huxley

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time. Robin Williams

Instruction in sex is as important as instruction in food; yet not only are our adolescents not taught the physiology of sex, but never warned that the strongest sexual attraction may exist between persons so incompatible in tastes and capacities that they could not endure living together for a week much less a lifetime. George Bernard Shaw

Fall Madly In Bed With Me

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. George Bernard Shaw

How lucky we are that we can reach our genitals instead of that spot on our back that itches. Flash Rosenberg

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation. Lily Tomlin

My reaction to porn films is as follows: After the first ten minutes, I want to go home and screw. After the first 20 minutes, I never want to screw again as long as I live. Erica Jong

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. Phyllis Diller

Usually I’m on top to keep the guy from escaping. Lisa Lampanelli

I know nothing about sex, because I was always married. Zsa Zsa Gabor

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy. Steve Martin

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs less. Brendan Francis

Good Partner Or Good Hand

It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food. Jarod Kintz

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off. Unknown

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp. Joan Rivers

Sex at age ninety is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. George Burns

A man is basically as faithful as his options. Chris Rock

I don’t have sex drive… I have sex ‘just sit in the car and hope someone gets in’. Louis C.K.

Remember, sex is like a Chinese dinner. It ain’t over ’til you both get your cookie. Alec Baldwin

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you. Woody Allen

As I get older, I just prefer to knit. Tracey Ullman

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